I had a very interesting and inspiring experience today. I was talking to my kid and I noticed that once again, for the hundredth time she ignored some of my advice. It is actually the same things that she tends to ignore: “Wash your hands, put on house slippers(don’t walk barefooted on the tiles), tidy up after you play, use a correct position while writing, etc, etc, etc…“

Yeh, I know I am a nagging mother :-). First and foremost, I do it cause I love her and I want her to be safe and well. But, I will be honest and admit I do it for 2 other reasons which I rarely say out loud: 

1)  I am a control freak and I like things done my way  

2) I think that repetition makes you internalize things better. 

For now, I do not want to debate my motives or the way I do this (it might be good material for another post. What I do want to share is what I learned today with respect to this topic. 

The tone conveys over 50% of the message

If I am a bit stressed out and I notice that she still does not do as we agreed best, I get an angry and frustrated tone in my voice. She’s come to know this very well. I know it because often she replies by simply asking me: “Hey mom, what stresses you today?”. Then I have to reply and actually set myself straight before continuing down that useless/destructive path.

But today after I said, “Wash your hands!” ( in that tone she so well knows) she simply replied: “I already washed my hands” and walked away. As she was walking away, I saw her barefooted and told her in the same tone – “ And put on your house slippers!”. She turned around and answered in an annoyed tone: “I just told you: I already washed my hands!!! “ 

I was super surprised to see that she did not understand what I just nudged her to do, and thought that I was insisting on the same thing. It got me thinking a lot about communication. We often use the same approach to issues we consider as being similar or part of the same general category. But how often is this a winning approach? Today’s event showed me that my kid when hearing a certain tone in my voice just blocks out the words. She automatically categorizes what happens as nagging, irrespective of what I am saying. So essentially there is no real communication.  I speak but my message is blurred because of my tone. She listens but does not actually hear the words because of the same reason – the tone. So it is wasted energy, words, time and effort. Great accomplishment…

I think that there are a lot of people (not only parents) that can relate to my story. 

So what can be done?

 In my particular case today, I just need to make my point in a different manner, definitely using a different tone. 

In general, however, we need to make sure we are actually focused on how and when we send important messages, for which we desire certain resolutions. It is not enough just to say things, it’s also vital to make sure we say them at the right time, in the right manner and make sure our message went through to the recipient, the way we intended it to.  

How can we do this? 

1. Don’t communicate important messages when too annoyed, angry or distracted.
2. Use a tone of voice that is appropriate to the subject and that does not come across as aggressive. Aggressive tones are usually blocked by the interlocutor as a defense mechanism. 
3. Ask clarifying questions to the other party, making sure they got your message the way it was intended. 
4. Last but not least, analyze your behavior and communication pattern, identify week spots and work with yourself towards correcting/ improving those. 
5. Keep in mind to avoid sounding like a broken record ( I am sure I will :-))!     

These days, we spend more time at home and are a bit more anxious than usual because of the uncertainty related to the pandemic and the economical aftermath of the situation. So, we are prone to get frustrated easier or faster. Take a step back, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What is it that I want to obtain? Is it a bit of peace and quiet to do my remote work? Or is it understanding of the fact that I am overwhelmed? Or any other results for that matter… Based on what you wish for, adopt the most suitable tone and explain it to your counterparty and you’ll surely get a step ahead. 

Make all your conversations fruitful!